Long day out and the anxiety persists

I’ve officially decided if I hadn’t already that I truly dislike PTSD. After going to the food pantries I decided to go to Jaycee park but alot of people, about 9, were by the water and it was hot and I didn’t want the orange juice to go bad so I changed my mind. Sadly as I was driving I saw “that car” and I was so freaked out I had to go and verify to myself that every one of those cars in the world is not driven by them. I had seen another one earlier when I was on the way to the first food pantry. Idk but my instinct is to follow them to make sure that I know that I’m just being paranoid. And I was right. I went into the dry cleaners asked for some info and water, they gave me a bottle of water, all this while I tried to convince myself that these people looked familiar and may be their friends etc.. but then I started to calm down a bit when I didn’t see him or her in there. The guy that was there, a white male 30’s, the woman I was speaking to was a white female 30’s, is the one that suggested she give me a bottle of water from their fridge and then he said it’s hot out there isn’t it to which I said yup it sure is. Oh I was so grateful. Anywho there was also a diner and some construction going on in the back and my brain starts thinking what if he’s working there. Anywho I got over it headed back, saw a plant that looked like the seaweed we used to drink so I asked a short blond waitress about it, she looked like a smoker, and she told me when she got there it was dying but after putting the left over ice water from the patrons into the plant it revived and apparently it needs alot of water and that I could take a piece so I took two small pieces, it’s a big plant, and put them in the empty water bottle, which I’d emptied into my glass water bottle. Anywho that wasn’t the only time I was sure I saw one of “them”, I think on the intersection of 1 and orange, a few days before, I think I saw the dad in a grey truck. He craned his neck to look at me but his car was tinted pretty dark so I wasn’t sure if it was him but I think it was by the reaction I got. “He” may have or most certainly must have told them what kind of transportation I use. Sadly as much as I want to hope that my feeble efforts, after “his” release, to get him to understand that what he did was rape I doubt that a podcast on consent is enough, to get an admitted sociopath, who has enablist parents and friends and is a part of the upper middle class and a white male and has probably never been properly disciplined or said “no” to much in his life, to stop before sex next time and every other time after and think about how the other person feels about the act and whether or not they consented. I’m still pissed that women are so catty to other women that so many women in this area are his friend but won’t speak to me. Some of these people, I don’t know their reasons, but I must say I would hope that I would take the word of a woman over a rapist if I was ever in that position, sadly it seems that it takes actually being raped etc.. before camaraderie can form between women making it possible to warn other women about rapists and even say the word feminist around other women. In my mind being able to “have sex” with a woman who is obviously afraid screams “sociopath” and “I’ve done it before and after you and I will continue to do it whenever the circumstances are made available to me”. And as my wishy washy fake friend who lies about wanting to hang with me made clear to me when I last spoke to her, the best place to get new victims is yoga classes, which he teaches sadly, behold the power of money and having the “right” physical form. You certainly don’t have to fight for credibility and to make it worse there’s that attractive face of his and that sociopathic charm. I mean who goes to them (yoga classes), people looking to join a movement, people looking for healing and people looking for enlightenment. And alot of them are women (sick women). The scariest part is that the Scorpio girl is so similar to me. She could be considered not credible because of her health problems and it’s sad that she cancelled plans with me without even having the decency to tell me and then she refused to acknowledge my presence afterwards, nor did I, but yet she’s on FB as one of his friends. I truly hope she stays living with her parents for a very long time and that if she ever moves it’s to a place with a crap load of other people living with her because the last thing she should do is move out live alone and let him know where she lives, it’s the last thing any woman should do and certainly any woman that knows him. I don’t wish my lack of trust and my nightmares and inability to have sex and my hyper-vigilance and morning anxiety etc…on anyone. But if she stays friends with him and he will stay friends with her, because she’s probably, in his mind, an easy target, then there is a chance of things not going well for her with him as her “friend”. Anywho I’m doing my part to try to get these women away from him. I’m going to look into some more intense ways to cause change like starting my own organization. After all the only people trying to stop rape are a small percentage of rape victims and that is not good enough (as most of us need to self care alot more than “regular” people and alot of us don’t have the money nor training nor contacts nor perfect health etc..etc..required to be as effective) but sadly healthy non-victim people trying to fight this epidemic of evil are rare, so it’s just us, this is the way it is right now and well, it will have to do…… for now.


P.S. I’m sad to think that there are more of his victims out there but that they just haven’t come forward and the police didn’t even put it on the news to hope to get more victims to speak up. Rapists almost always are repeat offenders.


P.S. I’m never watching Game Of Thrones again.


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