my Do Tell story

For me sex was never an option. I was sexually abused by my 16 yr old male cousin at the age of 9. I was from then on never interested in sex and in fact combined with my Christian beginnings I was actually repulsed by all those who engaged in it. I lost my virginity in my late 20’s to a guy who had a girlfriend and was just using me, he even said so. To be honest, I simply felt pressured to lose my virginity because everyone else seemed to be doing it. However, as is the way of things, once I lost my virginity it seemed that everyone I met afterwards was a virgin. I felt stupid for having done it, but it was also a way of solidifying and gaining evidence for my stance. I went on to have sexual encounters with approximately 5 or 6 other men and it was always the same they didn’t know how to please me, I was unsatisfied and never had an orgasm and even to this moment after more than 2 years of abstinence as a result of accepting that I was raped by one of my ex sexual partners I’ve never been able to have an orgasm during sex with another person. I’ve decided to go back to my initial mission, to remain sexually “inactive” until the day I die. The emotional and physical pain of being used and tossed aside or simply having a selfish partner has made this the only viable decision for my own sanity. Masturbation is still my favorite past time however. Currently I attend a support group for survivors of sexual abuse and rape that is helping me deal with the effects of the rape, which was reported but ended in the case being dropped by the prosecutor and as a result bringing to full light how far we need to go in gaining equality and safety in this society as women. Who knows, one day maybe things will get better, for now I’ve had my share of the sexual world.


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